At the Feb 5, 2018 meeting of NAMI High Country, my partner Melanie and I gave a joint presentation about our journey toward accepting difference. I was profoundly moved by how many friends turned up to support us. I was also so deeply moved by feedback we received right afterward, and wish I could have recorded it somehow to recall on dark days. The part I offered is shared publicly on the "notes" tab of my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/notes/cath-hopkins/swimming-upstream-one-couples-journey-toward-accepting-difference/10155131534145918/
I accepted an extraordinary invite from High Country UCC Pastor Tamara Franks: “I am asking a handful of mature souls to offer a story of truth, a story that offers your vulnerability to our gathered body. For the next six weeks, our Worship theme will be ‘Risky Business.’ Acknowledging and noticing that the teachings and ministry that Jesus was about proved quite daring and risky, one's vulnerability and truth often comes in response to the angels ‘Do not be afraid’ message. Through both Brene’ Brown’s work on vulnerability and shame and Molly Baskette’s Standing Naked before God: The Art of Public Confession, I am hearing that ‘We churchy types should ask ourselves: are we supporting a culture here that makes it hard to tell the truth? Do we give off signals or otherwise shut down honest expressions of pain, vulnerability, and disclosure?’ The gift of whole-hearted living and the freedom of living life in all of its glory, weakness, fear, joy and decisions of bravery entails accepting grace and compassion in situations where we have struggled or felt alone, unlovable or otherwise separated. The more we hear these stories of truth allows each of us to relate, to grow deeper in our own humanity and divinity and grows our Gathered Body in the process. (Aside: I have actually had people tell me, ‘I’ll be back in church when I have it all together.’)” [end of invitation] Okay, so still no massive writing or photo-processing spree has taken hold yet, but there is movement afoot! So in an ever evolving quest to understand myself, and in part due to my writer's / photo-processer's block, I have been on a bit of an online research journey the last several months. It was inspired by having come across a folder of childhood records and realizing that I never paid much attention to the fact that I had been formally recognized for high IQ and giftedness. I started to wonder whether that might have something to do with the intensity and diversity of my life experiences, and my seemingly paradoxical gifts and disabilities. As it turns out, the giftedness has had many unexpected impacts on my perception and experience of life. But identifying as gifted can seem so haughty and exclusionary, it felt awkward to discuss. But I explored it more. I came across an online community called Intergifted, and through them found the Intrepid Integrity online "authenticity incubator for gifted mavericks" hosted by Silver Huang. I totally clicked with Silver, and the others participating in the Pioneering trial run of the Intrepid Integrity program. To encourage and free up our creative expression, we were invited to post fantastically imperfect creations -- that was so liberating to me. And we spoke just as freely about ways in which we are gifted as the many ways in which we are imperfect. I felt myself uncurling and breathing into valuable parts of myself that had been abandoned or underdeveloped for the sake of convenience and fitting in. I discovered a keen relatability to the autists in these online groups. In part too thanks to a new-to-me therapist who is extremely insightful, I have in fact learned along the way, that there is a great likelihood that undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome (in the US, now called Autism Spectrum Disorder) alongside the high giftedness has underlain my gifts, differences and disabilities. Finding this out has clicked in helping make sense of my life exceptionally more than any of the other laundry list of mental health diagnoses that professionals have doled out and retracted on my behalf for over 25 years now. And apparently, I am far from unique in this. People are trained to screen for Autism as it appears in boys or men, but it can look exceptionally different in girls or women -- especially if they are bright, smart, or gifted. Why post this particular image of Sojo here? Accuse me of anthropomorphizing if you must, but if there is such a thing as Autism in dogs, I think Sojo has the canine version. It is uncanny how similar our neuroses, sensitivities, and gifts seem to be. She does so much better being out and about in her "I Need Space" vest, and now that I have invested in a weighted vest, I don't have to borrow hers so much :) |
Cath Hopkins on
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